I recently had the opportunity to write for Social Work License Map’s blog.
Although I am married to a social worker, writing to social workers made me a wee bit nervous.
Finally, I decided to write about our thought process when it came to choosing open adoption for our family. My hope is that caseworkers will be encouraged to encourage families they are working with to consider open adoption.
Below is what I submitted. It was originally posted on Social Work License Map’s blog on November 2, 2012. Enjoy!
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When my husband and I were diagnosed with infertility six years ago, we enthusiastically turned to adoption as a way to build our family. We were nervous, but we dove in with our whole hearts.
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Before you really become educated about adoption through your own study and required certification during the process, your knowledge is really at the mercy of the media and your usually limited experience. I say “limited experience” because until about a decade ago most adoptions were closed with little to no information about birth families for individuals who were adopted and vice versa.
Myths about open adoptions rang loudly in our ears
The birth mom will try to take the baby back if you let her see it.
She will never be happy if you keep reopening wounds by sending her photos.
The child we be confused on who his mother is if you let the birth mom in his life.
We listened to it all and discussed at length what we wanted for our future children. And what did we want for them? We wanted them to be happy, above all. We wanted them to have a rock solid knowledge of who they are. We wanted them to know their story.
The adoption agency we were working with at the time required us to attend monthly education classes in order to complete our certification and be approved to adopt. One of the classes was a panel of birth mothers in open adoptions.
Open adoption is where birth families and adoptive families have information about each other and interact with one another. The level of interaction varies from situation to situation. On the flip side, closed adoptions are where there is very limited information exchanged (i.e. agencies used to require families to use a pseudo-name when communicating via letters moderated through the agency) and no interaction.
My husband and I listened to these women tell their stories of falling in love with the family they had chosen for their child. They were invited into their homes, attended family events together, had nicknames for each other, came to birthday parties, had regular visits without the involvement of the adoption agency and enjoyed a happy relationship together.
We got to know one of the families from the panel and found their daughter to be bright, happy and clear on the roles of all the people who loved her–including her parents and birth parents. Where was the confusion and threats of “stealing the child”? We just didn’t see it.
This is what we wanted for our family.
Several weeks later we were contacted by an expectant mom who wanted to get to know our family better. We flew across the country to meet her for the first time in her own home with her family around her. Her whole family welcomed us in. We shed tears of heartache and joy together. In the 6 years since that first meeting, they have become family.
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About a year later, we were chosen to be parents again by a dear family friend who was expecting and wanted an adoption plan for her child. She and her family adopted us as we adopted a beautiful baby boy.
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We have wonderful relationships with both of these women, their families and the birth fathers who want to be involved. It takes effort, it takes sensitivity, it takes time, but it is worth it.
Our open adoptions have evolved from just email and phone conversations to visits as often as we can swing them as we live on opposite sides of the country. We enjoy Skype dates together, especially on birthdays, and my children love to call their birth mothers just to chat. We love to have them and their extended families in our home. We have even been on trips together while attending weddings for family members. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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For the first 6 months after placement, I sent a weekly package to the birth mother’s home full of photos. As a new mom who was thrilled beyond measure at the opportunity for motherhood, I was extremely camera happy. It was so nice to have someone else to share all those photos with. Someone who never tired of looking at them, as I never tired of taking them. Someone who loved this baby every bit as much as I did.
After the first 6 months and for the last 5 years (the age of my oldest), I have sent a monthly package to each of our children’s birth mothers. Every month the packages are a little but different, but they always include lots of photos, a letter and some art work from their child. I plan on sending these packages until they ask me to stop.
And what about the children? How are they doing with all this openness?
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My children, ages 4 and 5, can tell you who their birth parents are and which characteristics they inherited from each one. They can tell you where they were born and why they were placed for adoption. They can tell you the differences and similarities between their birth mother and their mother. They already know their story and have unlimited access to it. They know their roots.
And guess what? They are happy.
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Lindsey Redfern writes about infertility, adoption and celebrating family at The R House. An open adoption advocate, she and two best friends created The R House Couture–a boutique of handmade sterling silver keepsakes. She and her husband own an adoption consulting firm called The R House Adoption Consultants. Although she’s lived in her beloved state of Utah since 1997, she still considers herself a Virginian, where she was raised. She and her house of boys love anything to do with trains, Star Wars and BYU football.
Photography by Kim Orlandini.
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